I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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