You made me cry and you don't even care
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
