I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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