My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
