It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
