My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize