the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
