i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
