Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
