I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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