I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
