He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize