I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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