Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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