Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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