its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
