Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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