I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
