We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
