Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize