I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
