it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
