remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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