Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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