He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
