My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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