i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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