Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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