um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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