mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
