He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
