Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
not ubering you a puppy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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