Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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