You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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