I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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