I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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