I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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