Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
