I skipped work to stalk him.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
