apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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