Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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