Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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