dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Randomize