So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
