I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
