he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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