If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
