He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
