I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
