So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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