dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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