i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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