Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
