Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
