dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize