mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
