you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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