I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
