your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You are the jesus of drinking
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
