My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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