Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize