are you so shy because you have an std?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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