you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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