I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
